My 2nd PAX has come and gone. I’m pretty much gonna talk about my whole experience there right now. In short, I loved it. It was absolutely incredible. I was so happy there and so many amazing things happened. Of course there were some bad things, too. But all of those things are entirely my fault. Just like last year. It’s not just me being negative or me not liking myself when I say this or anything like that. I’m 100% serious when I say that everything bad that happened last year and this year was entirely my fault.
I’m weak. I’m shy. I’m terrified. I’m pathetic. I fear talking to the people I admire so much. I fear that I’ll say or do something that would make them hate me or just remember me as someone that they don’t like or that they’d never wanna see again. Because of that, I’m completely silent when trying to speak with them. If someone speaks to me first, it’s a bit easier. I can respond and possibly continue the conversation. But the fact of the matter is that I’m still scared to talk to them because I’m constantly consumed by fear of having them look back on their time with me as something negative.
A lot of my goals and views changed since last year. Last year’s PAX, my goal was to meet the people I admired and looked up to and thank them for all that they’ve done for me. And just talk to them and hope to become their friend. It’s selfish of me to want that and think that could work. They have no clue who I am. Why would they wanna start talking with me and become friends with me in the first place? They’re all amazing people and I’m sure they’d be willing to talk and get to know me. Too bad I’m incapable of speaking in person with people I admire.
It’s a lot easier with certain people. For example, Fraser and Becky from VideoGamesAwesome. Every time I’m involved with their work, it’s during their live shows while I’m in the chatroom. And it’s a very organized chatroom and everyone sort of knows each other. So it’s like we talk all the time and they see everything we say. So it’s a bit easier with them in person than with others. As opposed to say ProtonJon’s streams where there’s over 9000 people on the chat and it’s going by super fast and there’s not a whole lot of interaction with the chat other than what games to play and stuff.
I really wasn’t planning on going to PAX this year because I had just pretty much given up on the idea of ever being happy with these amazing Internet people in real life. But then Project Dolphin came around and I’ve already told you all how much that meant to me. I was afraid to talk to them at first and even up til now I’m still a bit nervous to talk with some of them. I do wanna be a friend more than a fan. I do want them to like me. And I’ve actually worked towards it and it’s actually happened. They taught me how to be happy with where I am now. And I’m so happy with them and I hope I never lose them.
I met so many members of my Youtube family for the first time. Cycopather, MrWaterWraith, YoshiGamerGirl, LightningCloud224, thank you for liking me and accepting me even after seeing me in person. Deceleration47 and TheOnlyG-Money4, it’s amazing to see 2 people like you be so close. It’s truly inspiring and thank you for accepting me and talking with me. OcarinaSurge and SailorSunburst, thank you for being some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You’re both so brave and kind and I hope I can become more like you two someday.
And there’s so many people that I didn’t even know that I met for the first time who were so kind to me. PeppyShirley, DetectiveRei, KittyKatInABag, they knew nothing about me before PAX. And they accepted me anyway. They’re all such kind, amazing, beautiful, incredible people and the fact that they wanna continue talking to me online after this is amazing. Thank you so much for everything.
As for my inspirations. StephenVlog, I’m sorry I was still too afraid to speak. But it meant so much to me that YOU came to ME to talk. Thank you so much. I’m sorry for being weak. Seeing that one fan talk to you with tears in his eyes, crying with every word he said, he was so incredible. So much more brave and admirable than I’ll ever be. And you treated him so kindly. You’re just so perfect and I hope I can mean so much to somebody like that one day. To make people happy and give them a wonderful life is what I want more than anything else.
Dodger, JesseCox, JonTron, Lucahjin, Markiplier, being at your panel and listening to how passionate all of your fans were when talking about how much you mean to them is just so amazing. All of you have done incredible things and it was an honor getting to see you, but I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to meet face to face with any of you. Lucahjin, especially I wanted to thank for being one of the nicest, bravest, most inspirational people I’ve ever known. You have a heart of gold and I wish you all the happiness in the world. It’s people like you, Dodger, Jesse, Jon, and Mark that make the world a better place.
Fraser and Becky of VideoGamesAwesome. You along with Ben, Kyle, and Deacon inspire me every day. The word “impossible” doesn’t exist with any of you. You’ve accomplished so much and the fans you have are some of the most amazing and talented I’ve ever seen. It’s really like a family. Thanks for all you’ve given me and so many others. And for all the advice you’ve given me on how I can grow and be happy and just get to a point where I can feel ok and worth something. I look forward to seeing the PAX East 2014 show and many more shows in the future. Thank you so much for everything.
ChelseyxLynn, as you know, we were supposed to have a lot more interaction at PAX than we did. The fact that we didn’t have that is all my fault. I saw you on Friday and could’ve gotten to know you then and we could’ve spent more time together later like we originally planned. But I was too weak. I’m sorry. Our time together so far was short, so it wasn’t as easy as it would’ve been for someone else. Not to mention you were with JoshJepson and N3rdsTheWord and I was just too afraid of any of you hating me if I came up to you and started speaking. I’m so sorry. It was amazing to see how happy you were with all of them, though. You do everything that I can’t, and you succeed. You’re so inspiring and I hope I can learn to be brave and kind like you one day. And if you’ll allow it, I hope I can continue to talk to you in the future. As a friend.
And lastly, Chuggaaconroy, MasaeAnela, and Adrisaurus. I spent all of the last day at PAX with you. It took a lot of time for me to finally speak with you, but it finally happened. I have PeppyShirley to thank for that. I most likely wouldn’t of been able to stay with you for that long if it wasn’t for her. I’m worthless and terribly shy. Online, as you can see, I talk way too much and that leads to scaring some people away and being known as someone who’s annoying. I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you, but you accepted me anyway, despite all that. You’re all so amazing and inspiring. I can’t say how grateful I am for having all of you in my life enough. You mean the world to me and I hope one day I can learn to be brave. Learn to feel ok. Learn to be happy. And be someone who can make others happy. Thank you so much for all that you’ve done.
Despite all my failures, progress has definitely been made. I’m infinitely happier than I was last year. I’ve learned so much, grown so many bonds, and I hope I can continue to become a better and better person every day until I can finally like myself at all times. My legs and back may be crying in agonizing pain, but I am so happy with my experience at PAX East 2014. Thanks to everyone who made it so amazing for me! Here’s hoping I’ll see you all again at PAX Prime (Or PAX South…what!?) or even online in the near future. Thanks again!
1 day ago
My everything hurts. I really hope this clears up before PAX. It’s a good thing I recorded all of Dark Story already, but I still need to record the intros. And it really hurts to talk right now, so I think I might hold off on uploading today. In return, I’ll be uploading a bonus video of Pikmin I’ve been meaning to do. It’s nothing fancy, it’s just something I’ve been wanting to do since the LP ended. Hope you enjoy it!
1 week ago —1 notes